Yellow Monday, EMail Monday, Non-Euphemisms

Film enthusiasts might recall a scene from Jonathan Demme's The Silence of the Lambs where intrepid, birdlike FBI cadet Clarice Starling pokes around in Hannibal Lector's storage unit (not a euphemism).
The powerful beam of her flashlight exposes all manner of objets d'freaky until it lands on the severed, pickled head of some dude from a side plot.
As you know, Email Monday, a time-honored tradition here at HeadHighGlassy, is the day we arm you with a government-issue flashlight and turn you loose, like Clarice Starling, into the unlit storage unit that is the HHG inbox.
First up!
Dear HHG,
Most of the time I love my full, diverse stable of surfboards. I can ride a different board each day of the month if I so choose.
Sometimes, however, late at night I feel soulless in my board hedonism. I think that somewhere there walks a single surfboard--The One design--that will satisfy all my needs.
Does this mean I'm ready to commit to just one board?
Board Bachelor
Dear BB, Don't do it!
Order more boards, experiment with more designs, swap out fins, exchange boards with friends, fill out order cards like they're free raffle tickets for even more surfboards. You see, guys and gals who have committed to The One board design rely on you to remind them of their own quiver-abundant days, when they, too, could leave the garage with a board under each arm and two already in the car. It's not hedonism, BB, it's living the dream.

Dear HHG,
I got kind of drunk the other night and had a fantasy about ordering a thruster (not a euphemism). Is this normal?
Tri-Curious
TC, You are perfectly normal. Please consult Board Bachelor for support.

Dear HHG, this week marks the Jewish holiday of Shavuot. Traditionally, Jews eat dairy to commemorate God's delivery of the Torah to the Israelites, but I'm lactose intolerant. What to do with this meshugganah?
CircumSurfer
CS, the tradition stems from the fact that the Torah introduced the law of kosher and, since Jews had just received the Torah, they didn't have time to prepare meat in kosher cookware that night (not a euphemism). May 28th, The first night of Shavuos, would be a great night for a salad and some home-rolled sushi. l'chayim!

Yellow Monday is another time-honored tradition. This week's yellow board is for Northcoast fish-enthusiast Robert.
Black tapered foam-stain panels and full-board deep yellow tint by Leslie Anderson at Fatty Fiberglass.
Hotcoating, sanding, finning, leash-plug install, glossing, and polishing also done by Leslie.

Bamboo fins by Marlin Bacon.
Hope the Memorial Day weekend found you engaged with something important.