Friday, June 21, 2013

Flexible Member

Ahhh, summer! 
The pitbull-to-human ratio at my favorite Russian River swimming hole skyrockets, Trader Joe’s Coconut Water Fruit Floes are the most coveted item in the freezer, and boards get short and chunky. 
Or long and chunky. 
Or medium-sized and slender.
Basically, what I’m saying is that I have no idea what boards do in summer. Some folks choose to discount the entire windy, foggy, shit-sandwich season, crossing off the days on their calendars until the North Pacific roars back to life in Fall. Witness the host of step-up winter-sized boards that came out of my shop last week.
Others, like Fred, embrace summer, opting to shred-with-joy the short wave periods and overhyped south swells matching conditions to equipment.
Fred's Equipment 
5'2 stringerless Mini Simmons quad. Master glasser Tony Mikus (over 300,000,000 boards glassed!) said it was the most difficult board he's ever laminated. Springy flexy bouncy on the glassing racks.

Ideally: shoulder-to-head-to-overhead (!) and peeling.
Probably: shoulder-to-head and choppier than the Swedish Chef with a third arm.

Fred’s a board-ordering pro (this is his third sandwich card punch), and kept it short, sweet, and detailed. Here's email read: 5’2, charcoal tint, black boxes, black leash plug. That's it.
When dudes are speficifying the color of their leash plug, you know this ain’t their first barbecue.
Speaking of barbecues…ahhh, summer!

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Of Beards, Boards, and the Naming of Things

It would be a nailbiter if TofuChris and I had a beard-growing contest. My Scottish/Jewish heritage has me predisposed for both facial-hair density and uniform coverage, but Chris's lack of shame and humble grooming habits more than make up for the sparseness of his face bush.

Plus, Chris pays little heed to the Full Beard Protocol, which clearly mandates beard-free faces between Memorial Day and Labor Day (similar to the Law-of-White-Pants for douches).
Beards aside, we figured it was time for Chris's signature model, mostly because he's been begging me for a 'signature model' for years, and I don't give a shit either way. We nailed the design, a high-pro noserider for  beachbreak shredding, but got stuck on the name.

In Genesis 2:19, Adam named all the animals in one big push. Impressive. We tried this with the help of a few IPAs, but came up with bupkis.
The obvious choice was the TofuChris model, but agreed this could isolate hysterics and meat eaters--my core constituencies.
I like keeping it simple, and offered Hi-Pro Beachbreak Noserider. Shot down.
Chris liked The Throatee, after his beard, which comes in low and hangs on dearly. Perhaps a bit close to the Neckbeard model by an industry leader in imported boards...

Names are central to identity and should be taken seriously. Scientists are keenly aware of this, which is why we have the Dumbo Octopus and the Dhole wild dog.
So I'm taking matters into my own hands and calling this hi-pro beachbreak noserider model the Helen Putnam, after Sonoma County teacher, mayor, and county supervisor. What a lady!
Plus, it's the name of the Ike's sandwich TofuChris is most likely to shred after one more punch on his Sandwich Card--avocado, breaded eggplant, cheddar, and french dressing, yo!
 It's business time.