Sunday, June 9, 2013

Of Beards, Boards, and the Naming of Things

It would be a nailbiter if TofuChris and I had a beard-growing contest. My Scottish/Jewish heritage has me predisposed for both facial-hair density and uniform coverage, but Chris's lack of shame and humble grooming habits more than make up for the sparseness of his face bush.

Plus, Chris pays little heed to the Full Beard Protocol, which clearly mandates beard-free faces between Memorial Day and Labor Day (similar to the Law-of-White-Pants for douches).
Beards aside, we figured it was time for Chris's signature model, mostly because he's been begging me for a 'signature model' for years, and I don't give a shit either way. We nailed the design, a high-pro noserider for  beachbreak shredding, but got stuck on the name.

In Genesis 2:19, Adam named all the animals in one big push. Impressive. We tried this with the help of a few IPAs, but came up with bupkis.
The obvious choice was the TofuChris model, but agreed this could isolate hysterics and meat eaters--my core constituencies.
I like keeping it simple, and offered Hi-Pro Beachbreak Noserider. Shot down.
Chris liked The Throatee, after his beard, which comes in low and hangs on dearly. Perhaps a bit close to the Neckbeard model by an industry leader in imported boards...

Names are central to identity and should be taken seriously. Scientists are keenly aware of this, which is why we have the Dumbo Octopus and the Dhole wild dog.
So I'm taking matters into my own hands and calling this hi-pro beachbreak noserider model the Helen Putnam, after Sonoma County teacher, mayor, and county supervisor. What a lady!
Plus, it's the name of the Ike's sandwich TofuChris is most likely to shred after one more punch on his Sandwich Card--avocado, breaded eggplant, cheddar, and french dressing, yo!
 It's business time.


pranaglider said...

nice flying beard model!

HeadHighGlassy said...

Good Lord, Prana, I think you nailed it!
And quickly, too. Nicely done.

pranaglider said...

it's a gift...
"what we have here is an excellent example of flyingus beardus purpleus. The belly and back coloration can vary but purple is most common. Their normal range extends from San Diego thru the Humboldt coastal area. However some have been seen in their natural habitat, that is winter Aleutian swells, up well past the Marin area but information from those sightings are unconfirmed..."

HeadHighGlassy said...

Cont'd, "...feeds on a diet of shifty beachbreak in dark waters, but will often seek out clean points to the north and south. Can have one fin or three. Most easily recognized by the crusty, bearded shredder perched on its nose..."

Jim D. said...

.."industry leader in imported boards"...Ha!..Whatever you guys call this one, I'd just call it fucking beautiful..

Kirk said...

Prana has it, I was thinking some Aubergine connection given colour/sandwich ingredients etc, but 'Flying Beard'? Stylish. And it reminded me I need a shave.

HeadHighGlassy said...

Yup, as per usual the greater surfing consciousness prevails. Flying Beard it is. And don't shave that beard, Kirk--according to an unsourced article I read on the Internet, ladies love the stubble. Think of your female fans!